Your Hot Cup of Rant

Perhaps I am old and set in my ways, but it seems to me that there are entirely too many musicians today who go into the studio and decide, at some point during their recording sessions, “Hey, you know what I should do for this record? I should showcase my complete lack of originality by poorly remaking a classic song with my limited vocal talents and my band’s inability to play anything other than a downchord.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t understand the desire to cover a song. We all grew up idolizing certain songs and musicians, and if I were put into the position of being paid good money to create a professional musical recording, at some point I’d most likely say, “Hm, I wonder if I can get the rights to remake ‘Last Train to Clarksville’ without breaking the bank,” or something similar. That’s not my concern. And I’m honestly not very displeased about “tribute” albums, either: recording labels like Cleopatra pump out goth/industrial cover CD’s because it’s economically viable to do such a thing, not because someone’s looking at the back of Covered in Black and thinking, “Wow, that Genitorturers cover of ‘Squealer’ is gonna kick ass,” okay? At best it’s a novelty for the AC/DC fan, at worst it’s a bargain bin value of mediocre entertainment. And we’re certainly not pointing the finger at the “crap on purpose” cover artists; William Hung and Richard Cheese can occupy their own little corner of the “perverse entertainment” world until either their popularity expires or they do. It’s not like you’re going to be exposed to it unless you choose to be (or unless your friends enjoy watching you suffer), so unless you’re looking for a lounge music version of “Rape Me”, you’re pretty much safe.

No, my complaint is with people who, entirely on their own, choose to make cover songs without a fundamental understanding of how to do this thing properly in the first place. If you are about to cover a timeless classic (or, at the very least, something that was popular for a few weeks in 1984 and isn’t completely intolerable today), you are going to either

1) remake the song in a way that is flattering to the original, which is unlikely,

2.) remake the song in a way that is indistinguishable from the original, which is more likely than the above, or

3.) completely defile the original song, either through a lack of talent, a lack of understanding of what made the original song great, or a desire to “add your own elements” to the point that your version leaves the original raped and crying in a ditch.

Guess which is most likely.

Now, on one hand, it’s not very hard for a band to sit down and make a cover that hits the second category without too much of a problem, but honestly, that’s boring. I don’t care how enjoyable Ra’s version of The Police’s “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” might be, except for the substitution of guitars in place of the piano melody from the original, the songs are indistinguishable from one another. No one needs an identical version of a song that they already own, only done by someone else. Obviously, if you’re going to tread down that road to Lackofcreativityville, the LEAST you can try to do is change it up a little, and that’s fine IF you know what you’re doing. And really, no one expects you to be as good of a singer as Phil Collins, Freddy Mercury, Lita Ford, Bernard Sumner, Bono, Davad Gahan, Steve Perry, or whoever else you might be trying to follow in the footsteps of. If you can at least do something interesting with the damn song it can still sound good; the Disturbed cover of “Shout” sounds very little like the Tears for Fears original in its tone and style, what with the synth being subbed out for rhythm and bass guitars and Dave Draiman’s fruity bird noise vocals, and it still works. You too can do this, you really can. I promise.

But you need to understand that you cannot just run off and do whatever floats your boat, okay?

You cannot cover “In the Air Tonight”, a song whose major claim to fame, aside from the fact that it was associated with Miami Vice, is the absolutely phenomenal build-up to the ending drums, and decide to play that ONE section of the song BEFORE EVERY CHORUS. Okay? You cannot fucking do that. It is a debauchery of the original product to such a degree that you look like an asshole for even THINKING of it.

You cannot cover “I Love Rock and Roll” in a fashion that does not, in fact, sound like rock and roll, and you especially cannot, cannot, CAN FUCKING NOT go out in public and mis-identify the original artist. I don’t care if it was supposed to be a joke, I don’t care if you said it “sarcastically”, I don’t care what the motivation was, Pat fucking Benatar sang “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” and “Heartbreaker”. The Arrows and Lita Ford sang “I Love Rock and Roll”. You look and sound like an idiot who recorded a not-very-rocking version of a rock and roll staple. Seriously.

You cannot, and I cannot stress this enough, cover “Edge of Seventeen” when you are NINETEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD. Okay? It doesn’t work. First, the song is performed in a fashion of reminiscing, and how in the fuck are reminiscing about something that happened, what, a year ago? Second, YOU ARE NINETEEN. Simply by taking the song in literal context, you are stretching suspension of disbelief to its breaking point by implying that you are singing a song of an older woman loving a younger man when the effective age difference is TWO YEARS. Okay? You are a tool for even considering such a thing, your limited vocal talents notwithstanding, and you should be ashamed.

You cannot turn “Little Piece of My Heart” into a love song. No, shut up. Shut up. You CAN NOT. Okay? It has always been and will forever be a song about heartbreak and the misery and torture associated with these events. It is not A FUCKING LOVE SONG. That would be like covering “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” and covering it in such a fashion as to make it into a creepy gothic song about a stalker, and while that might sound amusing, it would still be the action of an asshole.

Now, like I said, don’t get me wrong. I’m willing to give credit where it’s due. I’m willing to say that I think the Celldweller cover of “Tragedy” is more enjoyable than the Bee Gee’s version because even though Klayton Scott sings like a dying cat (and really, who spells Clayton with a K?), he at least sounds miserable; Robin Gibb sounds like he’s hopped up on uppers and helium while trying to sing a sorrowful song and, surprisingly, is unconvincing at it. I believe that Godhead’s cover of “Elanor Rigby”, while not in the same league as the original by the Beatles, sounds good on its own. The Uranium 235 version of “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” was fabulous, and was arguably as good as, if not better than, the original. And really, Johnny Cash’s version of “Hurt” is leaps and bounds above Reznor’s version, and I shouldn’t even have to explain why.

But let’s be honest with ourselves here: if you finish with your recording, play the song back, and you feel even the tiniest bit of shame when you mentally compare your version of a song to the original, THROW THAT SHIT OUT. And if you don’t, show it to someone else; if you can manage it, show it to the original artist, but if not, find someone who’s a fan of the song. If they can get through your version without attempting their own suicide, then you’re good. But if they hit the vocals in your cover of “Fade to Black” and start screaming immediately (and yes, I can personally verify that this, in fact, happened), THROW THAT SHIT OUT.

And more importantly, stop relying on the past to provide your career with some sort of temporary boost in popularity, alright? Marilyn Manson is an intelligent songwriter who’s written some interesting songs, but the man has also recorded TWELVE cover songs, and he is on the LOW end of the scale. Journey has written songs that, in many respects, can be considered timeless, in addition to writing quite possibly the greatest rock song EVER, and do you know how many songs THEY covered? ONE. And sure, the Beatles covered like forty songs in their career and Elton John covered nearly that amount, but you know what? THEY ARE THE BEATLES AND ELTON JOHN. They are wholly absolved of any sins associated with such an act because they have recorded more good songs in one ALBUM than most bands will ever record in their LIVES.

When YOU create a musical catalog that will entertain people for generations to come, is loaded with enjoyable music and creative songwriting, and can in many cases be considered the backbone of an entire genre for years and decades to come, then by all means, you can do whatever you want. Until then, either keep your grubby little mitts off of songs your limited vocal stylings and crappy music cannot hope to do justice, or at the very least, have the common decency to keep that shit locked in a vault until the next “tribute” album pops up for a dead artist. If you can’t keep that hideous abomination of God and Man inside of your untalented little skull, at least you can sandwich it in between an instrumental Kenny G remake and the obligatory Sheryl Crow cover of a song that used to be good until she redid it on a disc no one will buy for the rest of eternity, thus sparing the rest of us the indignity of ever having to hear it.

And in conclusion, the world needs an enema.