Your Hot Cup of Rant

I tried to think up a larger, more impressive word for the title, but really, that just says it all.

Before we begin, I’d like to remind everyone that this is “Your Hot Cup of Rant”, and not “Rantmaster Mark reviews products you should or should not purchase”. So assume that I like the product that has inspired this rant and let us move on with our day, yes?

The term “fanboy” has taken on a negative connotation insofar as “internet society” goes, and there’s a reason for that: fanboys take everything entirely too seriously, get worked up over petty shit, and generally act like asshats. There are few greater havens for fanboys on the internet than internet forums; by allowing a person the option to post their opinions of a person, place, or thing, behind the anonymous veil of the internet itself, you in effect give them the opportunity to say whatever strikes their fancy without fear of retribution or assault. It’s very interesting in a sociological sort of context, but generally not so good insofar as actual intellectual discourse is concerned.

Within the various domains of internet fandom, each seems to vie for the title of “Contains the most douchebags per board”, which is not a title most people would actively covet, but then, I don’t specifically think these people do this thing on purpose. They’re not acting like prats because they want people to think of them as prats, you see… rather, they believe themselves the sole voice of logic and reason on teh interwebs, and thus they feel that they are Moses coming down from the mountain, the Ten Commandments clutched in their worn, leathery hands, only to see the rest of us flailing about as we worship some golden calf. They think they are here to properly educate us on what it is we are doing wrong, and how we might do it right, to the betterment of our fandom, if not our entire species.

Me, I just do this to amuse myself. Hence the long time between updates, but never mind.

Now, each of the various fandoms (and there are many) has its miserable dregs residing within it, but video game fanboys are amongst the worst, simply because they are the overall largest in number. Unlike comic book fans, video gamers are at least marginally socially acceptable (so long as no one actually finds out what games they play). Unlike anime fans, video gamers aren’t assumed by proxy to be twelve-year-olds sight unseen who worship Yu-Gi-Oh and love big chested, large eyed subservient women. And unlike both, they have a martyr complex about a mile wide because, hey, Jack Thompson isn’t targeting Batman and Outlaw Star in his ineffectual bullshit.

And unsurprisingly, a not insignificant amount of these people frequent Gamefaqs.

Gamefaqs is, essentially, a repository for video game codes, hints, and strategies, and so long as one never goes any further than that part of it, it’s a generally useful tool for those who want to screw around and play video games. But each of the various games also has its own forum board, and it’s here where everything falls apart. Because, when given an anonymous voice with which to express themselves and a generally mild set of restrictions to abide by, most people turn into assholes almost immediately.

Now, in all fairness, railing against Gamefaqs isn’t terribly hard; plenty of people have done it, and done it better than I ever could. But I do have something in specific I’m annoyed about, that pertains to Gamefaqs, so I’m kind of obligated to explain that yes, many people on the site are the sort of people whose best parts seeped into the mattress at conception.

Because, you see, if Gamefaqs is filled with assholes, the folks on the boards for the various Monster Hunter games represent the most assholiest of those assholes, the kings amongst men in the grand evolution of complete jerkassitude, as it were.

Brief explanation: Monster Hunter is a series of action RPG-esque titles created by Capcom (they of Street Fighter and Resident Evil fame) that are generally an acquired taste. The Japanese love the holy hell out of the franchise, but America has yet to fully embrace it to any sort of degree, and with generally good reasons. The people who frequent the Monster Hunter boards on Gamefaqs generally fall into various categories and sub-categories, but those who post most frequently are either masters or believe they are, and as such, they act like they are somehow interesting and or important, as if anyone could be bothered to give a shit.

Now, here’s the thing: a Monster Hunter “asshole” is a special rare breed of asshole, only encountered in very, very rare circumstances, as they combine the worst aspects of many subsets of gamers:

NICHE - Their game is generally not well accepted by the masses, causing them to berate the masses for DARING to not appreciate the wonderful game, as well as declare that their game of choice is FAR better than it, in fact, actually is.

MMO - Much like MMORPG’s (online games that drain the life from their players), Monster Hunter features hundreds of hours of gameplay, most of it spent doing the EXACT SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN to accomplish things most games would allow you to do in an hour or so. This leads to the “MAH SHIT’S MAD IMPRESSIVE YO” mentality, where he who has the best toys wins. Combined with the fact that one could spend DAYS trying to unlock certain parts from certain giant monsters just to make uber sets, and you have the “unwarranted self-importance” personality trait personified.

FUCKING HARD - Self explanatory. Making large progress in hideously difficult games not only causes the aforementioned “unwarranted self-importance” trait, but also causes such strong players to look down upon others who lack their awesome skills. This is doubly so of “cheaters” who lack the skills to accomplish things fairly, because despite the supposed sense of accomplishment one gets from doing the impossible tasks the game asks of you, most of these people get severely bent when someone else has all sorts of awesome gear without actually having DONE anything to merit owning said items. Logic says that one may play a game however one wants, seeing as how they DID pay for it and all, but logic is something that never enters into the equation where these sorts of people are involved.

UNFRIENDLY GAMEPLAY - Doesn’t play in a way the majority of gamers would expect, or would want, thus making the game inaccessible to many people. Those who tolerate, or perhaps even LOVE this sort of shit become bitter towards anyone who DARES to suggest the game could, perhaps, play better, insisting that the poor gameplay is, in fact, done by choice to make the game more challenging, et al.

It’s like a perfect storm of terrible personality traits in each and every single post. Elitist assholes who believe themselves to be important because of their achievements in Monster Hunter frequent the boards, looking down upon those who have failed to meet those lofty goals and whipping out their metaphorical dicks to drench the masses below in their distainful golden streams.

These are people who, when someone writes a guide for something, instead of perhaps expressing any form of gratitude, they instead shit on that person for daring to try and be helpful.

These are people who makes jokes about pretending to be Final Fantasy VII characters whilst having buttsex, which is simultaneously INCREDIBLY dorky and really gross.

These are people who make a list of what items are considered “cheating”; IE “make the game playable for people who DON’T want to spend their ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE PLAYING A GODDAMN VIDEOGAME TO THE POINT WHERE THEY CAN KICK A DRAGON TO DEATH”.

These are people who, when you ask their opinion of your capabilities as a player, slag you for caring what they think (even though they themselves essentially lord themselves over all others as the best of the best).

These are people who feel the need to slag the same people multiple times, for (as near as I can tell) no other reason than the fact that they’re not good at the game, feel the need to cheat to get anywhere, and are not even a little ashamed of this fact.

These are people who bitch about the reviews of their favorite game, without bothering to realize that the game is a NICHE title, and therefore DOES NOT APPEAL TO EVERYONE. These people also essentially agree that “Developers really should be telling reviewers how to review games” like developers and publishers DON’T have a vested interest in the scores of their product (and the quote in the last link, by the way, applies to a certain extent here, too).

These are people who write informational guides to help out new players, then turn around and lay into those players for DARING to have a weapon or armor preference they don’t share. Sometimes they just lay into you without contributing anything of value to begin with.

“I’m just sayin’ ” what, exactly? That you’re an elitist douchebag who thinks his opinion better than everyone else’s? No shit.

Oh, and God forbid someone asks to make a game save available to others (essentially a file with a character on it that, in most cases, has lots of stuff and is probably hacked). You will be buttraped. Repeatedly. Period. Same with cheating. And they are, in fact, so butthurt that they’re even trying to petition Gamefaqs to DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING in regards to the above. Because they are, in fact, douchebags.

(And on the off chance that any or all of those links don’t work, no worries: just go here and I guarantee you you’ll find one or more examples of the above in the first three pages, tops.)

You beat Monster Hunter? You’re a god? You think healing and Flash Bombs are the tools of the weak because you’re the most expert dodger on Earth? You unlocked the White Fatalis Armor all on your own, without cheating, without using anything but your weapons, whetstones, and the supply items in the box?

Thanks to Encyclopedia Dramatica for this image that explains it all.

Okay? I mean, I’m aware that your board is full of so many tools that it should have a fucking Craftsman logo at the top, but NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

Let me spell this out for you in plain and simple English: each and every last one of you loves this game, I get that. Hell, I love it too. I personally think it’s better than most of the games on the PSP, and frankly, I BOUGHT my PSP for Monster Hunter Freedom. But there is a MAJOR difference between MHF and Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories. And that difference is this:

And see, THAT means that PEOPLE PAID MONEY FOR GTA:LCS. Or, more specifically, ENOUGH people paid ENOUGH money that it was considered to be a PSP best seller. In fact, so are a lot of other games. And really, 250,000 units sold isn’t a lot considering the dearth of great gaming the system has experienced since release. The Sony PSP, at present, has an installed user base of around 8 million users in the USA at this point, so 250,000 units sold really only equates to about 3% of the market buying your product. The overall review scores for MH2F are pretty decent overall, enough so that this version of the game could very well hit that coveted “Greatest Hits” level and inspire Capcom, as the publishing company, to continue releasing Monster Hunter titles stateside.

And your shit-eating attitudes aren’t helping.

I’m not saying you should tolerate the weak and stupid. And I’m also not saying that you should go out of your way to encourage anyone and everyone to play. But I AM saying that really, you should do your best to stop acting like God shit in your Frosted Flakes this morning and accept that, yes, people are going to play how they want to play, and if you happen to play with a fuckhead, you’ll know better for next time.

Because think about this: in about a year or two, when Monster Hunter 3 is coming out in Japan and you’re all frothing at the mouth to own a copy, and Capcom says, “Well, Monster Hunter Freedom 2 didn’t perform up to expectations, so we’ve decided not to release Monster Hunter 3 in the United-” and as the rest of the statement is cut off by your anguished fanboy wail, remember that really, your #1 status on Gamefaqs and your M@D L33T SK1LLZ J0 didn’t help shit. If no one buys Monster Hunter, there will be no Monster Hunter to buy.

There’s a reason something like five new Pokemon titles come out per year, but no sequels to God Hand, Okami, Beyond Good and Evil, Psychonauts, and Beat Down are pending. Don’t add Monster Hunter to that list. Extract your head from your ass, step back, realize that IT IS ONLY A FUCKING VIDEO GAME, that IT IS NOT FUCKING PERFECT no matter how much you like it, and stop being such a fucktard to other people.

Or, y’know, learn Kanji and get used to playing offline. Your call.

And in conclusion, the world needs an enema.